From Martyr To Mom
Burnout is real. Here are 4 things that helped me dig myself out.
Mom as martyr is an epidemic in American culture. We as women are conditioned from an early age to give ourselves over to everyone else’s needs before considering our own. And eventually this leads to emotional exhaustion. We become disconnected from ourselves and who we want to be – essentially, we burnout. When my kids were toddlers, I put myself on a hamster wheel to do everything. I made homemade organic food for every meal, I joined the preschool fundraising board, I signed them up for a million activities. I also started a business because I wanted something of my own.
I was constantly harassed, resenting my kids when they wanted my attention and feeling like my husband wasn’t pulling his weight. The vast majority of my stress was self-inflicted and I was miserable a lot of the time.
My mother would always tell me I was doing too much and one day I realized that she was right. These are some of the things I did to help reorient myself, so I wasn’t spending my days in a resentful haze. Give one a try and see if it helps!
1. Get clear on what you really want:
Prioritizing what makes you happy or what you want your life to look like can go a long way toward helping a mom feel less despondent. By zeroing in on what’s important, we can train our minds to focus on those specific things we love and/or the goals we have instead of dwelling on the current overwhelming stress. Then we can begin to create a plan for how to achieve them.
Visualization: Think about the mother you want to be, not the mother you feel you should be. How can you make sure that there is space for your child, for you and for your relationships? What are the values and dreams that speak to you? What do you want your family life to look like in five/ten/twenty years? Sometimes our preoccupation with the minutiae of daily life with a baby or child makes it hard to see the bigger picture.
2. Learn how to say no:
Boundary setting is key to breaking the martyr cycle. You don’t need to do everything! In fact, attempting to, will cause you to do all of them badly and you will feel constantly harassed. Wouldn’t it be better to identify what you genuinely want to do (see point 1) and cut back on all of the rest?
Try this journaling exercise to get clear on where to set your boundaries.
Ask yourself 4 questions:
Why should I continue to do what I am doing?
Why should I stop doing what I am doing?
What are the costs of continuing?
What are the costs of stopping?
(optional) Alternatives?
Then make decisions that maximize the benefit and minimize the cost, being sure to consider impacts on both the short- and long-term goals.
Ex: Cooking all of my baby’s food
Why continue: Because I want my baby to have the healthiest food possible
Why stop: It requires a lot of planning and time to search for recipes, shop and cook and I find it stressful
Cost of continuing: stress, time
Cost of stopping: I will have to find alternatives and maybe accept that my baby’s food won’t always be 100% up to my standards
Alternatives: Maybe there are natural brands sold in my grocery store, or baby food companies that focus only on organic, unprocessed options that I could subscribe to.
Once you complete this exercise, you will have more clarity about which activities are worth continuing and which might be reasonable to outsource or even eliminate.
3. Spend time with friends:
A lot of parenting can be lonely even though you are constantly around (little) people. And connection is an important factor in a woman’s well being. We are not meant to parent alone and when we spend too much time in our own heads without the reality check of a trusted personal contact, we can spiral.
I will never forget when my first son was 4 months old, there was a day he started demanding to be fed every 20 minutes. After a couple of hours, I began to panic. My milk supply is drying up! He’s going hungry! I am failing at this! Thankfully I had a close group of friends that I met in my prenatal classes and after a text to the group discovered that he was only going through a growth spurt. My anxiety immediately lifted. Conclusion, connection is important!
Whether is a group text chain, meeting in person with a friend, calling a family member or talking with a therapist or a coach – reach out.
4. Find one small way to reconnect with what brings you joy.
Whether it’s making the extra effort to bring the kids on a hike so you can be in nature, or listening to a podcast while you fold the laundry or run errands. Just find a way to shift your mindset from ‘ugh, I have to entertain the kids or do chores or run errands’ to ‘I am excited to… or I get to…”. Try to schedule something for at least 15 minutes each day.
Motherhood is hard work. There’s no question about that. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean you have to be suffering to be successful at it. You will be a better mom if you feel fulfilled, even in small ways. And while I realize that’s easier said than done, hopefully these tips inspire you to take back a bit of bandwidth for yourself. From my experience, it will make you a happier mom, partner and person.
About the author:
Jessica Hill is an entrepreneur and mother of two who has dedicated her career to supporting mothers, particularly during pregnancy and postpartum. Inspired by her own journey into motherhood, Jessica started The Parent Collective, which seeks to equip new parents with the education and support they need to thrive during the early years of parenthood. As a coach, Jessica helps reconnect moms to their purpose, by helping to integrate pieces of themselves they may have lost along the way and guiding them toward a more joyful and easeful way forward. To learn more visit: www.theparentcollective.com or follow on Instagram at @theparentcollectivetpc
