How Fair Play Can Help Your Relationship

Does this sound familiar?

You met your person. Decided to build a life together.  You had a baby.  While on maternity leave, you simultaneously worked to keep a small human alive, create systems to help you carve out the slightest predictability day to day, and you did most of the work around the house – because you were home all day. Fast forward, maternity leave ends, and you return to work.  Only now you find that you are doing the lion share of the chores and the childcare.  You wonder how you got here.  Things were different before having kids – you split things more fairly.  But now you feel like your partner’s manager, assigning them tasks and feeling resentful for it. 
 

We’ve all seen the articles about mental load and default parenting.  Memes about how dads don’t know who their kid’s pediatrician is or how moms are filled with rage when their husbands go golfing every weekend. 

These jokes receive a resounding round of applause from women who feel unsupported and that the work of care isn’t valued. While they are satisfying and validating for a mom who might feel like she is drowning in a sea of work that nobody appreciates, they aren’t exactly inviting dads and partners into the solution.  Enter Fair Play. 

I have worked with countless mothers and here is the pattern I see time and time again. 

As the primary caregiver, she creates systems for surviving the transition to parenthood and also being the default for most domestic tasks.  She is exhausted.  Overwhelmed. And it is common for her to hold on tight to what little structure she has eeked out because there’s a lot riding on things going as expected.  If a toddler get riled up at bedtime, they won’t go to sleep on time, they will get overtired, maybe wake earlier.  Consequences that they will have to bear.  So it’s no surprise that relinquishing control of those tasks is hard.  Because partners weren’t home when the systems were being created, they are left on the sidelines a bit. They haven’t had the chance to become an expert on all things baby in the same way their partner has. And then once maternity leave is over, without explicit communication to rebalance things, the split remains largely unchanged. 

So what is Fair Play?

Fair Play is a system for rebalancing the invisible load of childcare and domestic work for couples in partnership with one another.

It helps them reduce their individual mental load, learn how to communicate openly with each other in a way that fosters connection, get clear on roles and responsibilities, and carve out space for each other to explore interests instead of looking at time as a zero sum game where one of you wins and the other loses.

Ask yourself if any of these apply to your partnership.

·      Do you struggle with communication around household duties?

·      Or maybe just avoid conversations because they feel like they will inevitably lead to a fight?

·      Do you feel like your partner’s manager – providing to-do lists and detailed instructions for every task? Or maybe you feel like you are given no freedom to do tasks as you choose, instead expected to toe the line for fear of judgement?

·      Do you feel guilty whenever you want to take time for yourself because it means your partner has to step up? And do they make you pay for it when you do?

·      Do you have the same fights over and over again?

·      Can you feel resentment creeping in?

If any of these resonate, here are 3 tips for starting to build trust, empathy and collaboration with your partner.

1.     Schedule: Ritualize a weekly check in with your partner.  This could be a simple as running through your weekly calendar to flag out of the ordinary events. It could be an opportunity to talk about something that didn’t quite go to plan that week with an eye to what you might do differently next time. Or just a chance to connect.  However short, write this in your calendar and hold each other accountable to keeping it.  Make it fun so you look forward to it – pour a glass of wine, make ice cream sundaes – just make sure it’s at a time when you are both feeling generally relaxed and present.

2.     Ask: What do you need in order to feel human? Sit down with your partner and ask each other this question.  Whether that is in starting your day, transitioning home from work, leisure time, time with friends, time together – whatever that looks like.  This is a great way to build connection and partnership.  You’re looking out for each other! Both of you should be able to have the freedom to do what you love without fear of judgment or resentment.

3.     Share: Challenge yourselves to find opportunities to appreciate each other for the work you each put in to making life as a family work.  Even if it feels unfairly balanced.  Even if you are feeling resentful.  Acknowledging the work your partner does do can help you see their contribution; it can help them feel seen and it can create a virtuous cycle where both of you are more willing to come to the table in partnership.  My mother used to say to me that in every marriage when you have kids, both partners feel overworked and underappreciated.  This is a mindset shift that will help each of you feel validated in what you bring to the table. 

Before you redistribute the work at home to feel more fair, you need to be on the same team.  You have to be in a place as a couple of mutual respect and appreciation.  Often with small children, these feelings are sidelined because everyone is just trying to survive.  Hopefully these small steps will help move you in the direction of reconnection and appreciation.

Jessica Hill is a Professional Certified Motherhood Coach, Fair Play Facilitator and Founder of The Parent Collective. The Parent Collective provides education, community and coaching for parents — from pregnancy to preschool.